JokesWelcome to Joke City, a citadel of amusement where you gotta laugh and forget your sorrow. Contribution and enquiry are welcome, while you forward them to omnijoeself@yahoo.com or +2347031262179. You can also send in your jokes. Be Happy ! At The Cementry There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy! If I am the one, I will not run but I will fly.Who wan die? Incredible ! A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed, "Not this time." A Visit To The Zoo It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. "This time the ape really want bananas" The husband said. He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his foot all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in...The rest of the story is left for the couples to tell. The Sin Of Lying A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." English Research Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese...As a good Nigerian, I will want to advice my fellow students not to adhere to this research in their exams, anybody who gives it a trial will surely fail excellently. Operation fallacy. In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you mythighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" What A Revelation A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"...What a revelation ! Sign From God A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." May be the police in question will tell the rest of the story. Four Little Animals A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl answered, "A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed and, of course, I'll need a Jackass to pay for it all." Ten Commandment The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: The Holy Kidnap
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment An Atheist
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